Monday, April 13, 2009

Photograph by THE "Nickelback"

I start with Nickleback, the band that started it all. Their hard rock persona is balanced out by the soft rock ballad "Photograph". Nickleback will surely make the Shitty Lyrics Hall of Fame by the time all is said and done. If you can, listen to this song as you read so you can be engulfed by a truly shitty experience.

Look at this photograph

okay folks, this is about as good as it gets

Everytime I do it makes me laugh

setting up the obnoxiously linear and juvenile rhyme pattern that Kroeger treats us to for 3:50

How did our eyes get so red

it's a photograph dumbass, people's eyes turn out red sometimes. Not only are you lamenting a cheesy high school photograph, you are lamenting one that displays red eye.

And what the hell is on Joey's head

a pile of shit known as your lyrics probably

And this is where I grew up

Hanna, Alberta...avoid raising your children there b/c they might turn into huge douchebags like Chad Kroeger

I think the present owner fixed it up

inconsequential to whatever narrative meaning you might be going for...on the upside it fits in with the incessantly nauseating rhyme scheme.

I never knew we'd ever went without

probably because you never really went without anything except for talent

The second floor is hard for sneaking out

this is the point in the song where we wish the second floor would have been a little bit harder to sneak out of so he would have fallen and broken his neck...notice also Kroeger's panache for rhymes, by rhyming "out" with "out"

And this is where I went to school

probably didn't learn much

Most of the time had better things to do

like being a professional trampolinist...true story...

Criminal record says I broke in twice

so, you had better things to do than go to school, but you found it necessary to break in...illogical nonsense

I must have done it half a dozen times

Chad Kroeger got away with breaking into his school 2/3 of the time...what a badass

I wonder if it's too late

to hang yourself? No, go ahead...please

Should i go back and try to graduate

he just wants to get on high school girls again...While Kroeger is a "Rock Star", even groupies won't touch his majesty of perpetual lameness

Life's better now than it was back then

but you later go on to assert, "If I could I relive those days"...consistency would be awesome

If I was them I wouldn't let me in

I wouldn't let in a wannabe statutory rapist either

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, god, I

The first of a couple mid-song Chad Kroeger lyrical orgasms

Every memory of looking out the back door

I could see that old general store....see I can rhyme incoherently also

I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor

did all your photographs have redeye?...probably

It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.

goodbye, goodbye...nope, not too hard

Every memory of walking out the front door

I wonder if he walked out the front door backwards as he was staring out the back door...probably the most intriguing thought I can muster from this entire masterpiece

I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for

how many friends did Chadwick(that's right, I'm calling him Chadwick now) really have while training to become a professional trampolinist?

It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.

goodbye, goodbye...even easier that time

Remember the old arcade

I bet you played a lot of Ms. Pacman, when regular old Pacman was readily available

Blew every dollar that we ever made

pretty stupid considering you "went without"

The cops hated us hangin' out

Kroeger is seriously a straight badass...hanging out at the arcade and breaking into school is pretty much comparable to B.I.G. dealing crack in Harlem.

They say somebody went and burned it down

it was probably Chad Kroeger, Criminal Mastermind

We used to listen to the radio

ok...

And sing along with every song we know

"know" is present tense god dammit...but then again "knew" doesn't rhyme with radio, so I guess it's fine

We said someday we'd find out how it feels

where you going with this Chadwick?

To sing to more than just the steering wheel

that poor fucking steering wheel...if it had a mind of it's own, it would have steered you straight into the nearest telephone pole

Kim's the first girl I kissed

Kim is the first blind, deaf, and dumb girl that also turned out to be a complete whore

I was so nervous that I nearly missed

she's the blind one Chadwick...get your shit together

She's had a couple of kids since then

and several abortions...although you have had more abortions
*note to reader: all of Chad Kroeger's abortions can be found on CD's and are also known as any song Chad Kroeger has ever written

I haven't seen her since god knows when

god does know when...because he is omnipotent...and you are just impotent

Oh, oh, oh
Oh, god, I

lyrical orgasm #2

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.

read above analysis

I miss that town
I miss the faces
You can't erase
You can't replace it
I miss it now
I can't believe it
So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it

i'm gonna address this all at once...this is about the end of the song and Kroeger decides to start sputtering out complete and utter nonsense to get his point across that he doesn't realize and never did understand where he was going with this song.

If I could I relive those days

I hope you are one day relegated back to your shitty house, shitty life, and burnt down arcade

I know the one thing that would never change

days and change are a slant rhyme which is a nice change of pace...strong finish here we go!

Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye.
Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
Everytime I do it makes me...

laugh...you just told us in the previous line...well this song makes me laugh because you are a joke.

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